dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Let's get the cat blown out
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
