he wants to bone in the snuggie
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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