he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
