I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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