I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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