Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
