I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
