Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
