This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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