Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Randomize
