Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Randomize
