you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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