worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
My pussy is not your playground.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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