You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
