I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
