They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
