i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
