yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
