Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i need an iv and a liver transplant
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
