I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
