this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
