Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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