3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
