My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
We left an ass print on the piano.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
