i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
