Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
