my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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