No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
