1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
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