Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
