Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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