it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
