Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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