last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
