saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
