My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
