I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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