you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Randomize
