and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
