I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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