We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
