I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
