I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
