I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Randomize
