I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Randomize
