The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
