my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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