There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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