I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
