so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
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